Friday, November 6, 2009
I need your opinion
My oldest daughter had lunch with Kelly on Thursday and informed ne that Kelly would be calling me Friday. She said Kelly looked and seemed good, and that Kelly said she is back in day-treatment. I personally have a hard time beleiving this! I told her that the last time was THE LAST TIME! I told her I couldn't do this anymore and I meant it! Kelly did call today (Friday) but I missed the call and she left a message that we needed to talk as she felt there was misscommunication last time (how do you misunderstand F*** Off?) She also said she needs to open a bank account and wants to get together so she can discuss it with me. (She wants the $2,000 I have in my bank account from her unemployment checks) OK, here's where I need your opinion, do I get together with her and giver her the cash? Or as I feel right now not interested in anything she has to say, since I can't believe anything she says? Oldest daughter says giver her the money and what happens happens. I feel NO that much cash is just asking for trouble. She relapsed when she had $195. What will happen with 2 thousand? I know I know by not giving it, I am attempting to control the situation. But if I give it am I being an enabler? Oh the headaches have begun again!!!
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13 comments:
I certainly don't feel qualified to answer this but I am sure some of the other parents with more experience will have some advice. I am curious to what they will say. I'm thinking maybe some of the money....We didn't sign up for this did we? :( Hugs to you.
The money is hers. Trying to keep it from her is contributing to her lack of being an adult and you are trying to keep her from having consequences.
But, I would NOT meet with her. I would put the money in a money order, and have someone else deliver it or mail it to her.
F*** Off means just that.
She will either use the money for drugs, or use the money and stay clean.
it is not your decision, your responsibility or your business.
and, get caller id.
The money is hers. But, then excuse yourself from guilt in the future when she needs a ride, a car, food or cash. Enabling would be taking your own precious money and watching her blow it. This is rightfully her money. Sit back, say nothing and watch what she does with it. That will speak volumes.
well i saw an episode of judge judy where it was similar to this and the mother told her the grown kid was too irresponsible to have his money. the judge told her it was his money and from a legal stand point she had to give it back.
her son is an adult and it is non of her business what he does with his money.
so far i completely understand your issue. but i completely agree with fractal mom. and the next time she asks for help with being responsible set a healthy boundary that you will not go down that road again and if she needs help handling finances watch Suze Orman.
on a more personal note, my mother lived with me during my using and clean time and one thing i remember is when ever i got paid i would keep a little dope money for myself and hand the rest over to her to pay bills and get what ever. i made good money and i don't know what our expenses were. today at almost 5 years clean i struggle with finances and learning how to shop and save and know how much our monthly bills are. to this day i am still learning to manage a check book. mom has been gone for almost 2 years now, so she cannot help me any more. but i do miss her terribly. any way you are a very special lady and a very good mother and one day Kelly will be able to love herself enough to take care of herself.
If it were me, I would be calling my Al-Anon sponsor to discuss this and to have the support I would need to have the courage to do the right thing.
With just a little information, I tend to agree with most of the comments. It is her money. It is also her decision as to what she will do with it. I would "detach with love".
Remember - this is just an opinion, nothing more or less.
PG
I don't like to give advice because I don't feel qualified at all. I will say that all of the professionals I have ever spoken with regarding my son's addiction and issues with "keeping or holding his money" have said it was his, give it to him. They said not giving it to him was considered enabling and acting out of my own fear of what he would do with it, how he would blow it, how high he might get with it, etc. It was my illness getting in his way of his own lessons and also discovering consequences. On a personal note, I have been there and it is not easy at all and I am thinking of you.
I agree with Prayer Girl...call your sponsor in Al-Anon for some discussion and guidance. In my group meetings, we talk all the time about "Checking Your Motives." So...what is your motive for keeping her money? If it is because she may use it to buy drugs, well, you know in your heart you can't really stop that. If there is a different motive, then you can set a boundary that you can live with and execute it in that way. These are the hard decisions we have to make as parents...and I for one don't have the answers. I'm sure I make the wrong decision about my son at least 10 times a day! Hang in there and pray. The fact that you are asking the question, tells me that you know what the right thing is to do. Remember, pray...and check your motives.
I have to agree with the others, it is her money, and it is her life. Unfortunately, she has to make the decision to stay clean on her own.
I hope it all turns out OK< please let us know what you decided...
In the program, I hear that if it doesn't have my name on it, I don't pick it up. That would include another's money.
I passed on award to you. :)
Just stopped by to let you know there is an award waiting for you on my blog :)
The money is hers but I feel your pain. It's so hard to know how to help adult children.
Hello - I'm new to your blog and have gotten a lot out of this post and comments. My 30 yo beautiful, well-educated daughter is a heroin addict. I had to sell her abandoned car - and was lucky to get $2,000 for it. Right now, my daughter is living with two coke dealers and we have no direct contact. But,I know that at some point, this $2,000 of hers, in my account, will become an issue. Thank you for helping me think about what I will say/do when the time comes. It's not easy. A never can quite sort out my guilt, anger, detachment vs enabling behavior. Please visit my blog at peglud.wordpress.com
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