mother of a drug addict

its happening again

2010-09-17T21:22:00.002-05:00

Well I had another tough day, I found out Kelly is back living with her old boyfriend, and they are using crack. She called me earlier in the week and said she got a job waitressing, I was stupid enough to believe it and have hope, dumb huh? Well I cried and got mad at myself for having hope. I have cried more today than in a long time. Sure wish this would end.

happy birthday?

2010-09-11T21:06:00.002-05:00

Kelly's 28th birthday is coming up and I hope she enjoys it, while thinking about her I realized that I only can remember 1 birthday where she wasn't wasted, in hospital or in jail since she turned 20. How sad is that? I haven't seen her since father's day, she has text me a few times and when I say she must be clean to be part of my life I don't hear from her for a while. I know I'm doing the right thing in my head, but I miss her in my heart. I know when she's using Its not really her but I miss my little girl and It pisses me off!!! Just venting here!!

Hope? Im afraid

2010-08-17T22:12:00.002-05:00

I was online Sunday and noticed that Kelly's login was also on instant messenger, she started talking to me and I answered her like nothing was wrong, She asked if we could get together and that she was back in day treatment and groups and seeing an addictionologist(?) I told her IF she is clean and not using I have no problem seeing her, and she said I will call you on Monday and we can set up for Thursday ..... needless to say, no word so I now have made plans for Thursday, I refuse to wait in vain for her call. I guess I finally have lost hope she will do what she says. Life is what It is.

Tough week

2010-07-26T21:49:00.002-05:00

I have gad a tough week. Wednesday I got a call from my cousin /foster-sister saying my aunt/foster-mom was dying and the doctor gave her 1-5 days. I had just seen her at daughters wedding at end of May, I went to see her and was shocked by what I saw. She had deteriorated to the point of looking like a victim of the Holocaust. She passed away That night. It was hard on every one and there were lots of posts on Facebook from her children. I know Kelly is on Facebook and can read the posts on her cell phone. I text messaged Kelly the night before the funeral after my husband kinda talked me into it. She messaged back saying" is it safe to assume that you prefer I didn't go" my answer was not easy but I said "if you have been using, are full of sores,twitching or high, then yes that's a good assumption. The funeral was Saturday (my birthday ) . I didn't get a call from her on my birthday but she did say Happy birthday on Facebook. Today was the burial. Tough week. Need some normalcy

July 10 update

2010-07-11T21:26:00.002-05:00

I haven't heard or seen Kelly since father's day, outside of her text before cigarette incident. I have made no attempt to contact her. I suppose I should feel bad but truthfully I don't. Life is much more peaceful without her drama. I have seen a picture of her on Facebook, she doesn't look good, but she's not in hospital or jail, yet. Thanks for all thoughts and prayers.

headaches are back "again "

2010-07-04T18:45:00.003-05:00

We were planning a few days out of town with Jackie staying at our house, watching the dog. We haven't heard from Kelly since father's day and she was high. She called and asked if she could come do laundry at my house. I told her to call Jackie and ask, Jackie said She wouldn't be here she would be working And dog would be at dog daycare
When we returned, we realized that 5 cartons of cigarettes were gone but nothing rose

I am so pissed right now I could just spit. My husband says it might not be her but no one else knew where we kept them and nothing else was taken, not 55 inch plasma TV, etc. . Now its been over a week and no word, hmmmm guilty much? ??? If I had direct proof I would have her arrested in a heartbeat. ..

why do addicts think they are smarter than everyone else?

2010-06-20T21:12:00.002-05:00

Today we went to newly married daughters house for father's day and husbands birthday, it was supposed to be nice but of course Kelly came high as all get out. She treats us like we are crazy when we cut it short and I wouldn't set up a time for her to come over. I didn't want to get into it at daughters house. She decides we all have problems and are picking on her.
Why do addicts always think they are smarter?

Just checking in.....

2010-06-14T20:41:00.002-05:00

I really don't have much to say except, Yes by all signs Kelly is using again. I am trying to deal with it as best as I can using the stuff I learned over the last couple relapses. I am living my life and not letting her addiction run my life though I still lose sleep over it regularly. I have told her that I don't believe that she is still in day treatment. I am thinking about having her take a home drug test, just to get her to admit it to herself that she is only fooling herself. I will Keep updates coming, thanks for caring.

2010-05-24T08:43:00.001-05:00

Kelly was Maid Of Honor

Jackie and Husband Joe.

The wedding

2010-05-23T21:31:00.001-05:00

The wedding was yesterday and it was wonderful and gorgeous and fun! !! Kelly managed to hold it together for her sisters wedding, for this we are thankful. I have no proof but still believe she is using. I don't post as much as I probably should but I kinda feel like a whiner, and will only post

1 month to go? will she make it? only she knows....

2010-04-21T09:13:00.003-05:00

Well there was drama upon drama last week, Kelly has been coming over every Tuesday to either do laundry or have me take her grocery shopping or have her do work around here to have me pay her cell phone bill. She has to take the bus to get here and I pick her up from the bus stop which is about 7 miles away. I had text her the night before to check on the plans(like I always do), and got no answer. text her again in the morning to make sure she was gonna be on the bus, no answer, I called and called, no answer so I went to the bus stop and waited through 2 buses and no Kelly. I was livid!!! On my way home from the bus stop she called and said, she just woke up (10:30 am) and what was going on? I told her that I waited and waited and that I wasn't going to play this game. she called back and I stuck to my guns and said no I'm not running back to bus stop again at noon, and being 27 years old, she should know better than to take a sleeping pill at 1 am when you have to be on at bus by 9. The least she could have done was text me and say she was gonna do this and could we make it for later in the day. She copped an attitude and went on Facebook and put a comment about how much she hates Wisconsin and all the "fake" people and can't wait to go back to New Mexico.I commented and said her problems will follow her wherever she goes, and left it at that. I text her this Monday and said since I haven't heard from her that I am assuming she wasn't coming and immediately got a text back saying yes she would like to come if I would let her. I said fine, but she better be a the bus stop because I don't play these game. She was there and we actually had a very nice day. I didn't dwell on the past but knew she got the message as the her phone was shut off for a few days and she had to pay herself to get it turned on.

I have to say that although I am trying not too look to hard for signs of a relapse, I am having a hard time with it, yesterday her face looked like she has been picking at it and she was wearing long sleeves all day, it was cool out, but I still have concerns. Her attitude was much better than after the incident and I'm hoping that it is all in my head. I really don't want to be naive again about how easy it is for her to relapse.

On the wedding front, only 30 days left!!!! plans are coming along great, RSVP's are coming back and I am looking forward to a day of happy and sad tears!!

And the plans march on

2010-01-26T15:45:00.002-06:00

Wedding plans are going great! We even got to order an Ice Sculpture. The chair covers were a little iffy for a while, but we found them at a reasonable cost. Kelly has been coming over and helping me work on Wedding Shower games and gift bags. Today we also went shoe shopping for the wedding, but without any luck. if has been nice hanging out with her and I want to thank all of you who said don't look too hard to see what might or might not be there. Because whatever will be will be. It is not easy but I am working on it.
I hope all is well for all the bloggers and I still remember you all in my prayers.

Drama Drama Drama

2010-01-12T16:26:00.002-06:00

Kelly came over and spent last night and today with me today working on bridal shower stuff for her sisters upcoming wedding. I noticed that when i picked her up and all night she seemed twitchy, but looks fine. Am I over reacting in what I'm always looking for? I don't know. Today she seemed fine except for the drama. She is having a fit because the money she has is running out fast and she knows she has to pay rent now and buy groceries and that's tough on the unemployment she gets. I told her to get a job, but again she has the excuses in the world. I just hope she doesn't get too down and use just to get into a rehab paid by the state so she doesn't have to pay rent. But that is on her not me. I refuse to let her manipulate me into giving money, I have told her over and over that unemployment doesn't last and the money I was holding for her would run out fast if she wasn't careful. I wish her the best and pray every night, I am supposed to see her again next Tuesday.so we will see how shes doing then. thanks to all the well wishers out there. I have been praying for all of your loved ones and you too.

Trying not to think the worse

2010-01-03T20:25:00.002-06:00

Well Kelly came over and spent the night on Christmas Eve, she seemed fine, no twitching or outbursts ,on Christmas morning we opened presents, had breakfast and I took all of your advice and gave her the remainder of her money, we said that we would drop her off at home. I have only heard from her once since then, to tell me she lost her cellphone. I am worried but trying to hope for the best.

I hope you all have a great new year with only good news.
.

To all who have addicts in their lifes:

2009-12-24T12:40:00.001-06:00

May you all have a stressless day and better days on the new year.

Update

2009-12-03T12:17:00.002-06:00

Well Kelly has been back to doing good but I really don't see it lasting, she told her sister that the only reason she is even trying anymore is because me and her sister don't deserve to put up with the crap. Since the last relapse, she got kicked out of the sober home, and was staying with her aunt, well her aunt is kind of a flake, and decided to move and gave Kelly 2 days notice to find a place, so she has been couch surfing and I can hear the frustration in her voice. I think she has been dropping hints that she plans on using by saying that stuff about trying just for us and with all the stuff going on she will feel like she is justified in using again.

She was clean when we went for the dresses for Jackie's Wedding (Kelly is supposed to be maid of Honor). Jackie did tell her that if she relapses one more time before the wedding she is out and she don't care if she bought her dress or not.

Both the girls came for Thanksgiving, it was very nice.

I am still trying to be hopeful but it is with a grain of salt that I believe anything she says.

I need your opinion

2009-11-06T22:08:00.000-06:00

My oldest daughter had lunch with Kelly on Thursday and informed ne that Kelly would be calling me Friday. She said Kelly looked and seemed good, and that Kelly said she is back in day-treatment. I personally have a hard time beleiving this! I told her that the last time was THE LAST TIME! I told her I couldn't do this anymore and I meant it! Kelly did call today (Friday) but I missed the call and she left a message that we needed to talk as she felt there was misscommunication last time (how do you misunderstand F*** Off?) She also said she needs to open a bank account and wants to get together so she can discuss it with me. (She wants the $2,000 I have in my bank account from her unemployment checks) OK, here's where I need your opinion, do I get together with her and giver her the cash? Or as I feel right now not interested in anything she has to say, since I can't believe anything she says? Oldest daughter says giver her the money and what happens happens. I feel NO that much cash is just asking for trouble. She relapsed when she had $195. What will happen with 2 thousand? I know I know by not giving it, I am attempting to control the situation. But if I give it am I being an enabler? Oh the headaches have begun again!!!

Thanks for the concern!

2009-11-04T22:21:00.000-06:00

I want to say thanks for the concern and comments I have gotton. I haven't heard anymore from Kelly and don't know what's going on. I have a bad feeling but am working on trying to keep the bad thoughts at bay. I think maybe I have to just HOPE and pray she is doing what she should and let the chips fall where they will. I still am working with my own thoughts repeating the 3 C's. I haven't posted only because I haven't heard anything. I am still here reading all of your blogs for the wisdom each of us has for each other.

Coping

2009-10-27T20:09:00.000-05:00

Well, I haven't seen Kelly nor have I heard from her. She has texted me to get money to rent a room. I gave cash to her sister who took her to the place she's staying to pay for a months rent. Her sister says she looks good and seemed fine. And that Kelly says she is back on track, going to day treatment 5 days a week.

Personally I think I have been handling it better than I anticipated. I broke down the first 24 hours. Then I kept saying the 3 C's over and over untill I believed it again.

It is hard to be a mom who can't fix stuff for your kids.

11 months clean and she relapsed!

2009-10-19T20:56:00.000-05:00

Well the it has happened. What I hoped I would never have to do again, deal with another relapse. After 11 months of being clean, Kelly has relapsed!! She has been receiving unemployment checks and I have been controlling the cash flow for bus tickets and and incidentals. Last weekend when she was here she looked funny but we didn't want to borrow trouble so we didn't say anything. Then Tuesday she called saying she lost her wallet with all her money and ID in it and her cell phone payment was due and would I take it out of the money I had for her and pay it online. I said yes but I told her she needed to be more careful.and I knew she didn't seem that upset abput it but her sober house is in a very bad neighborhood so it was plausible. Thursday she came over to get more money and again she looked funny but again I didn't want to borrow trouble so I didn't say nothing. I text her Friday and Saturday and she answered right away so I assumed I was worring about nothing. Sunday I got a call from my oldest daughter saying Kelly called and she had relapsed and turned herself into detox. She claims that she only used for 1 1/2 days but looking back I doubt it. I called the detox place to day just to be told by her that she wishes everbody incluiding me would just F*** Off. Now I'm pissed off but I won't let her know how much this hurts AGAIN!!!

I think I more pissed at her for doing this to her sister. She has been planning her wedding and once Kelly got clean she was to be the Maid of honor. THIS SO SUCKS!!

A Great Day

2009-10-10T13:08:00.000-05:00

Kelly had invited her sister to the art museum for her birthday and they spent the afternoon together. I was kind of worried how it would go.

I got phone calls from each of them separatly within minutes of the afternoon ending and they both said it was the BEST time ever!!!! They both had a great time and Kelly couldn't wait to go to her meeting to say this is what being clean can be like. She was in tears!! Jackie said it was the best birthday ever!! I am so very proud of both of them!!!! It makes me cry to see them FINALLY acting like the sisters they should have always been. Kelly is worried that once her sister is married she will not have time for her. I explained that as long as she's clean, her sister will always make time for her. She said she understands. And she says no way does she wanna go back to the way things were.

27 years old and still not an adult

2009-09-16T22:05:00.000-05:00

We celebrated Kellys 27th birthday Sunday. It was a nice time. But she still don't get why the trust is not here yet. I tried to explain that if she wants trust she needs to show MUCH more honest towards us. She was given a new tatoo as a present from some of her friends and knows how I feel about her getting more. (She has quite a few now) I told her that if she feels there is nuthing wrong with getting more then she should just tell me. I'm sure there are a lot of things I won't like about the way she and her sister live their lives and that is fine but trying to be sneaky and lying about it only makes it even harder to trust ANYTHING they say. Why is that so hard to understand? I may get upset but I get much more upset when she tries to be sneaky about it. If you believe in what you are doing. Own it!! If you don't. MAYBE you shouldn't be doing it!!

Same is Good

2009-09-06T21:11:00.000-05:00

Life has been good for a while, though I still have my fears and worries. Kelly is still in touch with some of her old friends she claims aren't into drugs. I worry because I feel if this "friend" were true where was she during Kellys ordeal?

I know I shouldn't look for trouble, but maybe I see a little clearer now.

Transition for the whole family

2009-08-17T20:04:00.000-05:00

Transitional housing is going good. Kelly is working hard and doing great!! She is a pleasure to be around. She went for her final sentencing hearing. The judge praised her on her working hard and doing good, they dismissed the felony and gave her time served (5) months and set the restitution at $50 with probation to last as long as it takes to pay the restitution. She was thrilled and said she never thought she would leave a court hearing smiling. After hearing the judge go over her past history she said she was so proud of herself and can see a bright future.
As much as I want to say this is over for our family, I am still terrified to do so. I still have the tendency to think the worse when she is late to meet us at a specified time or I don't hear from her for a while. I know, shame on me!! I feel terrible afterwords but old habits die hard.

The Last Wrap....On to Transitional Housing

2009-07-28T13:37:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was Kellys last wrap in residential treatment. Next week she is supposed to go into transitional housing. Am I scared? HELL YES!!!! And I think she is too. The transitional house is just 3 blocks from where she used to score. And they have a ZERO tolerance policy. I know she wants to stay clean but I can see the fear in her face. She was hoping for a different house that was further from her trouble zone. I know what your all saying "its up to her" I know that and she knows that but fear is understandable, at least I think that!!

Same Good News

2009-07-15T21:39:00.000-05:00

I am very happy to say that all is still well and Kelly is now looking for employment. She is excited about doing day treatment.

I also want to thank whomever put my blog on top 100 overcoming addition blogs. If this blog helps 1 mother/father/child / loved one then all I went through would have been worth it.
I also wanted to let all know that I am now totally smokefree and off the chantrix. Woohoo.

THANKS TO ALL AND PRAYERS TO ALL STILL GOING THROUGH THIS.

GED get-to-gether and more good news

2009-06-28T18:38:00.000-05:00

Today I had a small (14) people get to gether to celebrate Kelly getting her GED. It was nice, she was very appreciative and we got even more good news: Kelly was picked to move into much nicer rehab building which is in a better neighborhood and it is cleaner and has A/C. She was 1 of 6 girls picked. You had to have a good attitude, not be a problem, and much more. I think I will not need to vent in a blog any more.. I will keep it open just in case and to read others. Thanks for all prayers that came our way. THERE IS HOPE FOR ALL!!!!

Fighting not to conform

2009-06-22T15:19:00.000-05:00

Kelly is fighting like heck, not to conform. Her addiction apparently is who she felt she was. Now she says she doesn't know but she refuses to conform (whatever the hell that means) I personally think it means following normal rules without stirring up problems.. She seems to like to argue, with anybody about anything. She has now (after 27 years) decided that she is a vegan, she has tried this before and it seems she only wants this lifestyle when it makes other lives difficult. She was over for fathers day and wanted to explain all about how meat is proccessed, WE DON'T CARE,WE LIKE MEAT, God put animals here to feed us!! We explained this to her and she won't shut up. I finally told her to keep her opinions to herself because I was in no mood to fight.

HAPPY FATHERS DAY

2009-06-21T06:47:00.000-05:00

Happy Father's Day to all of the dads who have stepped up and have been true Fathers. My own father died when I was 2n no that's not totally true, he didn't just die he committed suicide. The other men my mother brought into my life were total losers. When my mother died when I was 13 we went to live with my aunt and uncle as foster parents and my uncle was great!! He was always fair, even though he wasn't one to show affection, he taught us right from wrong and will leave a big hole in my heart.

Overnight Pass

2009-06-15T20:54:00.000-05:00

Kelly saved enough chips to buy an overnight pass. She used it to work at a festival and see a concert that would be going later than curfew at rehab, so she set up to have her sister pick her up at 11:30 pm. Slept by her house and was back in rehab by 9am. Ihave to be truthful and say I was worried sick while she was out. She did run into a friend of hers who is an alcholic and most likely an addict. But she stayed clean. I still am very worried about her getting out of rehab where she is very structered. I know I need to let it go and leave her to do what she is gonna do. Guess its just something I will have to learn to deal with it.

Another 30 day wrap meeting...

2009-06-11T21:46:00.001-05:00

Well Kelly got her GED woohoo. She didn't get to participate in the ceremoney cuz her last test score came back two days too late.

We had another 30 day meeting today and I have to say that although they had all good to say I said that I am very worried about her getting out after her time is up, while waiting for a apatment in a transitional apartment. I broke down and said I can't do this again. I think we decided that she will go into a transitional housing while on waiting list for the one she wants. We are planning to have a family dinner celebration and I cut and pasted her face into a cap and gown for on the wall, when I told her what I did she smiled very big.

On the wedding front, Jackie bought her dress and it should be here any day. We also got the cake ordered. My girlfriend's mom makes wedding cakes and my friend I'd giving it to Jackie as her wedding gift. It is a 4 tier white cake with green fondant ribbons and ittle dot clusters and pink roses as the top. If needed they will also make 2 more side cakes. My friend is and always has been great to my girls and me.

Just goes to show the ups and downs in life. Oh yeah I am completely smoke free now. Go me!!

Another great day

2009-05-29T07:53:00.003-05:00

Jackie and Joe came over for dinner and we had a good visit, I love having my kids over for dinner,(especially Jackie cuz she likes my cooking) We discussed the wedding and I guess as of today it is back on! Woo Hoo!! We are gonna help as much as possible!

No new news on Kelly's GED we are waiting for the last of the results to come in(hopefully by Tuesday June 2nd)to see if she can participate in the graduation ceremoney! if not we will have a small family gathering at the house!

Since life has calmed down I have decided to try again to quit smoking, I'm taking chantix and I really can see a light at the end of the tunnel! though yesterday I did smoke a few I was stressed after the dog ate the checkbook. I think I get myself worked up about giving the hubs bad news. I'm not sure why because he always really good about it. I think it is a throwback to being married to first husband (real jerkweed).

30 day wrap and Court Update

2009-05-26T21:04:00.000-05:00

Jackie and I went to Kellys wrap which was good. Sunday Kelly spent the day with me and stepdad. I took her to a paint and pottery place. We had a great time.
*******
Kelly had Court today. It was just a status update, she goes back in August for final sentencing.

Test Results

2009-05-21T20:59:00.000-05:00

Kelly had her 30 day wrap today. It is an update for her PO, counslers and us (her family).
All signs are good still. While we were there Kelly called and got the results of 3 of the 5 of her tests for her GED. To pass the test you have to score 410 or higher, perfect score being 800. The results were given to her on speaker phone:
* Reading 800 (perfect)
* Science 680
* Social studies 650
Jackie and I whooped and hollered. We are so proud of her.

Now the sad news. Jackie informed me that she may be putting off her wedding because her and fiance' are having money problems. I tried telling her that if you wait till you can afford it, you may never do it. Her dress should be in a few weeks and she will lose her deposit on the hall. I am very sad for her but we really can't help more than we promised already because husband just had his pay cut and 401k matching canceled. With no pension plan we have to save what ever we can for retirement.
It was an up and down day emotionally but as usual thhis too shall pass. I probably will be posting less as things are going good. But will continue to read and pray along with all of the blogs.

The Good and The Bad

2009-05-18T10:35:00.004-05:00

The Good:
Jackie was kind enough to stay at the house to dog/cat sit while hubs and I went to Shawano golfing/gambling Saturday-Sunday
The Bad:
Kelly told us about a bad situation at rehab about a girl who is HIV+ and being shunned and treated mean to by other girls.

The Good:

Kelly is being kind to the girl and sticking up for her when dirt flys.
Jackie called to say she was happy I never raised them to be like that to people.( made me feel so good I couldn't quit smiling)
Kelly is now secretarying meeting once a week and has gotten a temporary sponsor. woohoo
she also found out about a transition home in a better neighborhood that they give only to the hardest working, no relapsing, recovering addicts where she can live in a furnished apartment for 2 years and when she is ready to leave she can take the furniture with her!
The more she talks the more I think she is really wanting to stay clean and I couldn't be prouder.

The Bad:
Kelly might not be able to participate in the Graduation ceremony because her test results might not all be in on time. I told her that the ceremony doesn't count the diploma does!! Go Kelly!!

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T19:23:00.001-05:00

Mother's Day has, in the past, been a day of sadness missing my mom who died when I was 13 and dealing with my own guilt over Kellys addiction. Today was different. I still thought about and missed my mom, but thought that maybe she would be proud of some of the things I have done...
1. I graduated early from high school.
2. I left an abusive marriage so my kids could have a better life.
3. I got my drivers license at age 30.
4. I went back to school to further my employability.
5. I married a wonderful man who my kids adore.
6. I made it, albeit barely, through raising my kids to adulthood.
I guess I needed to go through a lot to get where I am today!!!
***********************
Today my oldest daughter had us over for dinner and cake. IT WAS WONDERFUL FOOD AND COMPANY. Thank you Jackie. We picked up Kelly and had a great time!! Kelly said she thinks she did great on all her GED tests she has 1 more to go and if she passes them all, she will receive her GED!! I AM SOO PROUD OF HER!!
Jackie is still going to school and has only a few semesters left till she gets her paralegal degree! I am VERY PROUD of her!! I am a blessed woman!!

GED testing

2009-05-06T21:46:00.000-05:00

Kelly called last night. She took her first test (reading) for getting her GED. She took all the pre-tests to see if she could test for the GED or if she needed to take classes to get up to speed. She did great on pre-tests. Today she had two more (science and social studies). I haven't heard from her but I think if she was upset about them she would have called. I am looking forward to spending Sunday with both girls.
************************
Today I can honestly say for the first time in a looong time, that I'm proud to say I'm their mother. ************************
Its a great feeling. I am slowly losing the animonsity I felt towards her.

Weekend Update

2009-04-26T20:53:00.000-05:00

Kelly spent Saturday with Jackie, they went to library and out to lunch. Sounded like a good time.
Sunday husband and I took her and were gonna pay for a new haircut. But she decided to donate her ponytail to make wigs for cancer patients so she got haircut for free and she got great new look. They cut off almost 14 inch ponytail and she still has a chin length bob. I was proud of her for what she did and told her so. Maybe she is getting that life isn't all about her. She also bought a Thank-You card for her public defender who went above and beyond for her and still checks her progress. Life is getting calmer.

Thanks for all your help Jackie. I am so proud to be your MoM.

30-Day Rehab Meeting

2009-04-23T21:18:00.001-05:00

6-months clean!! (5 in jail,1 in rehab) After a fitful night of sleep worrying about this meeting. I awoke with a headache and a sore jaw from greeting my teeth in my sleep.

I picked up Jackie and we went to the meeting and I am happy to say that Kelly got a good review. They have seen signs of P.A.W.S (post addiction withdrawal syndrome), which they say is normal but Kelly is really working the program and the people at rehab are very pleased with her work. They say her attitude this time is so much better than last time she was there. I was very happy to hear it.

I ignored the new peircings untill she asked about them and I said " its your face, I don't care". The counslers agreed that she probably did it for the shock factor even if she won't admit it.

All in all I went away feeling good about the meeting.

WAY TO GO KELLY!! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!

Thank you Jackie for going with me, I enjoyed doing lunch with you too.

Ok Ok, I get it!

2009-04-22T08:47:00.000-05:00

Here's my horoscope for today:

Dear Leo,
Instead of digging deep into the barrel, looking only for the misshapen, the bruised, and the rotten apples, concentrate on bringing up the bright red shiny ones. This way you will bring laughter and smiles to the company around you, rather than miserable frowns. Whatever you bring to the surface will be distributed far and wide, so make sure you reach for the good apples instead of the sour ones.

Need blogger advice

2009-04-20T20:50:00.000-05:00

Ok blogger friends I need your opinions. When. Last saw Kelly, we discussed her getting tatoos and piercings, to which I was against. Well Jackie went to a meeting and saw her today and she got 2 new piercings. The lady running the meeting said Kelly may be just looking for a reaction.
OK my question is this:
Do I give the reaction that I wanna give(I think she wants us to argue so she can get pissed and leave rehab), or ignore it and hope she doesn't do something more crazy looking for a reaction?

Please leave your opinions as I am going this Thursday to see her. Thanks!

I'm seeing/sensing old behavors.

2009-04-15T07:41:00.000-05:00

I feel like, no I know some of the old behaviors are coming back. I had a feeling this wouldn't last. But being a mom, I just didn't want to believe it. When Kelly was here this weekend she talked about getting more tatoos to cover the scars from shooting up in her legs. I told her that her prioritiy right now was working on staying clean, getting her life back and trying to figure out why she can't stay clean. She kinda poo poo'd me but I didn't wanna ruin the weekend so I let it drop. (Dummy Huh?). Yesterday I found out she wants to go and get a new piercing. Again I put my two cents in. She is relentlence. I told her that when her money is gone its gone. And I will NOT be buying her cigarettes and stuff so she can spend her money on tatts and piercings. She was not happy. But too f***ing bad! I'm not happy with her reasoning that I should be jumping up and down with graditude that she has been clean for 6 months (because she was in jail) and that I should just forget everything this family has been through with her for the last 6-7 years!! I'm really trying to be supportive, but I refuse to go back to being a naïve person. I have to see real change for more than a month out in the world to believe that this will last. I love her to death and need for her to make a REAL effort or quit wasting my time and playing with all our lives.

Saturday with Kelly

2009-04-11T20:36:00.000-05:00

We picked up Kelly at 1:00 and brought her back here. She was in a good mood. It was great!! It was like having my daughter back!! We colored Easter Eggs, baked a cake. And had a great dinner. I gave her her Easter gift. It consisted of green tea, sugarfree gum(they can't have sugar or caffeine in rehab). A roll of quarters for the phone, pushpins for her bullitan board, bubblebath to pamper herself and a card. She was very appreciative.I have to say this was one of the nicest visits we had in years. No attitude,
I know that I should be happy but I'm more scared than ever. It makes. Me more worried that if she relapses I could lose her for good. I am gonna take the good and hope for the best.

I am honored

2009-04-08T09:12:00.002-05:00

I have to say that I was honored by Clean and Crazy with this award! Thank you Thank you! I dont think I deserve it but I do agree with everybody she gave it to. So I would like to second all her give-aways!!

4-Hour Pass

2009-04-04T21:33:00.000-05:00

Well after a great 5 day get-a-way to Mississippi and New Orleans. It was time to get back to my life. Today Kelly had a 4-Hour pass. We picked her up at 2pm and I told her if she wanted to go pick up stuff she better have a list, and remarkably she did! We took her to the store gave her $50.00 (of her money) she got most of what was on her list. It came to $65. We gave her the rest and deducted it from her money I was holding. I showed her the worksheet I kept and she didn't dispute it. (Another miracle) We bought her lunch while we were out. It was a nice time.
She gets a 6-Hour pass for next Saturday but they do not let the women out on Holidays as holidays tend to be stress triggers. So I will let her help me out at the house, baking the cake I have every Easter. She will also organize my linen closet in return for money. This way she gets money for clothes and I get work done.
She also found out that all her stuff she had before she relapsed last is gone. I just said you hang with lowlifes what do you expect? She agreed. This almost seems too good to be true!! Do I dare hope this might really be it? I think I will stay optimistically hopefull.

LOOKING GOOD!

2009-03-22T20:13:00.000-05:00

I went to the mixer at Kellys rehab today. It was great to see and talk to Kelly without glass between us. She sounds really positive, which is great. I left feeling good about her. We laughed and hugged. It was great to see my little girl again. I know she has a lot of work ahead of her, but I believe she can do it!!

WOOHOO GO KELLY!!

Dont Read It

2009-03-18T09:41:00.000-05:00

Uber-- If you don't like my blog...DON'T READ IT. No one is forcing you to. I use this as my place to vent. That's it.
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I spoke to Kelly yesterday. They are having a mixer on Sunday, and she asked me and her stepdad if we were interested. We are going. But of course the crux of her call was could I bring her cigarettes, yarn for knitting and other stuff. The phone call would have been really nice if we could ever have one without the asking for stuff. But that is the nature of kids and addicts.

Thank you Fractalmom and Skillz and others for the great comments and saying what we all feel.

THANKS

2009-03-14T20:01:00.002-05:00

Thank you to all the bloggers who stuck up for me on my last couple of blogs. I really appreciate it and I would never let the thoughts of one person (ubermouth) who has NO experience dealing with an addict get to me. It was nice to know that people stand by you.

THANKS AGAIN!!!

TO UBERMOUTH

2009-03-13T19:17:00.000-05:00

I will NEVER stop being her mother and I will NEVER give up on her, but I can't do this for her. If I could I would. I would give my life for either of my children. But my going to a meeting isn't going to make her stop doing drugs. And I am not the victim of drugs but I hurt just as she does. Anybody who is a mother knows how much it hurts them when their kids are hurting. I will always support her but I will not let her addiction run my life. She is 27 years old, she is not a child. She has to learn to live as an law abiding adult. And I did not censor your comments because every one is entitled to their opinion. I don't have to agree with them.

I'm Not The Bad Guy

2009-03-13T17:35:00.002-05:00

To Gledwood: I am not the bad guy here, I know she needs the stuff but why is it my job? She didn't care when she was on the streets, so now that she is FORCED to go to rehab I should step up and do all her running when she wants me to? NOT! I did go get the stuff she needs but it WILL come out of her money not mine and she will get it when we can get it there. They gave her a welcome kit when she got there so its not like she is in dire need.

Addicts seem to think that their needs are much more important than anybody elses. She never seemed in a rush to do stuff for anybody else when they asked. why should her needs not have to wait? She did this to herself. I didn't do it.

And to my daughter, I do not believe that my going or not going to the AODA co-dependency meetings are gonna change whether she uses or not. I know you want to do everything in your power to help her but SHE HAS TO DO THIS HERSELF. We cannot do it for her. and I'm sorry that you think if I don't go I will feel guilty for it if she relapses, but I won't. I know you think I'm mean but I'm not. I have given her just as much love and help as I have given you and you didn't go this route. I will not have this be my fault. I am beyond that now. I am still angry with her and that will take a long time to get over. I am willing to help as much as I can but she needs to do the hard work herself.

CHAOS

2009-03-12T20:09:00.001-05:00

Well Kelly is out of jail and into rehab but not with more chaos. I had a feeling the transfer wouldn't go smooth so I transfered my home phone to my cell while I went to breakfast. Guess what? Of course her PO called and said House of Correction (where she has been for 4+ months) wouldn't release her because she had 2 outstanding warrents in a different city. So could I drop what I was doing and run $218.00 dollars there to pay it off or else she would lose the bed they had for her in rehab. I said sure (only because I had her tax return money) trust me if I didn't, she would have sat in jail longer. OK, so they move her and I get a call from her "Mom I love you" of course you do for the moment. "Oh and could you have my sister drop of deoderant and other stuff for me when she has the chance?" Surpise!! God when does the can you could you and I need.... STOP!

I then get a call from my other daughter who says Kelly called her to bring her cigarettes and stuff. And tell her that the rehab is having an open house coming up and are WE(mom and sister) gonna go? To tell the truth, I'm not interested in going. And the sister wants me to go to AODA/Alanon meetings. I really don't feel comfortable doing that. I am no good around people and I know it helps lots of people, don't get me wrong I think if you want to go to them, more power to you. But I am not interested right now. If and when I'm ready I will go to them but I refuse to be guilted into going. Her sister says that if I don't go and Kelly relapses I will feel guilty. No I won't. I didn't cause this. This is not my addiction. If I go will she be cured? Don't think so! I will go IF and WHEN I feel I can go. Right now I'm not in that place.

No Sleep (again)

2009-03-12T06:09:00.002-05:00

Well the subconcience(sp?) Is working against me again. I tossed and turned most of the night. And when I did sleep, I dreamt Kelly ran away during the transfer to rehab. Why can't I believe she will make it this time? I really do want to be hopeful for her. I want so much for her to be clean and seeing her in jail for the last 4+ months made me want it even more. She looks so good and healthy. I an so angry with myself for not being able to just go with this. I also am angry with her for making me this way. I was always the optimist and still try to be but it is such a struggle now. I think I am just worn out. Between running twice a week to visit her and listening to her complain about how bad jail is (well dammit then don't do stuff that puts you there). And trying to stay strong for the rest of the family I am tired.

I always read a blog entitled addict in my sons bedroom, and feel so bad for their family. I know exactly what they are feeling and pray just as strongly for them as I do for my own.

I Hate What Drugs Take From Familys!!!!!

On Her Way To Rehab

2009-03-11T17:10:00.000-05:00

I spoke with Kellys PO yesterday and found out that she is to be transferred to rehab tomarrow(Thursday). I knew she would be excited about it. Her sister went to see her and tell her cuz I had toe surgery and couldn't go. I hope she makes the most of this and gets herself back on track for good. I am hopeful but skeptical. I will still worry.

I am also sad about having to get rid of my puppy, but he is just too rambuctious for us. I am getting too frustrated with him. I am trying to find him a good home.

Still in Jail

2009-03-08T21:25:00.000-05:00

I went to see Kelly both Wednesday and today. She still is in the House of Correction. And has no idea when she will be transfered to rehab. She can't call her PO to find out either so I told her that I would try to find out something and let her know on Wednesday when I come for a visit. I personally don't mind that she is still there. I know that's wrong but hey, I'm actually starting to to enjoy sleeping again.

2009-03-02T08:01:00.000-06:00

To Heather: No I don't think that visit shouldn't screw up her release as this was the guy she got busted with for the last charge,

Everyone is against her (awww)

2009-03-01T18:55:00.001-06:00

I went to see if Kelly was out of cellblock, she was. As a matter of fact she was with a visitor, one of the guys she got busted with originally. I was pissed but he left right away. When I asked what she did to get put in cellblock, she said that another girl started an argument with her and she threw a deck of cards onto the table and the guard doesn't like her so she put them both in cellblock for a week. I just rolledvmy eyes and said yup everyone picks on Kelly and Kelly is an angel. She just laughed and said she knows ahe has anger problems (ya think?). She is supposed to be moved to rehab this week but if a pregnant girl needs the bed she will get bumped again.

Not trying to fix it

2009-02-25T19:45:00.000-06:00

I am really not thinking I could fix things for Kelly, just doing the motherly worrying. If anything it makes me more pissed at her for not growing up and learning from the time she has spent in jail.

Are Ya Kidding Me?

2009-02-25T14:57:00.000-06:00

I went to the House of Correction to see Kelly this morning. But my time was wasted. Kelly couldn't get visits because she was in "cell block". I asked what that meant, I was told that she did something wrong.
I called her PO and told her and that I wasn't able to give her the information that a bed should be open next week. Of course I got voicemail and could only leave a message.

I managed to work my ulcer up last week worrying about her leaving the rehab and she wasn't even there yet!! Now I am worrying about what happened in the House of Correction. Was it her attitude to one of the guards? Or maybe she got into a fight with another inmate? As a mom, I hate not knowing if she is ok. And yes I keep telling myself I didnt cause this problem, I can't control or cure her.

Update

2009-02-24T19:52:00.000-06:00

I didn't go to see Kelly Wednesday or Sunday because I was told she was being transfered to the Meta House for her inpatient rehab. I spoke to her PO today she hasn't been transfered yet. Her PO says it should happen next week. I will go see her tomarrow and let her know since they didn't let her know yet.
I will update when I know more.

I feel honored!

2009-02-21T09:18:00.003-06:00

Athena gave me this award and I would like to give to to my daughter Jackie . who doesn't blog much anymore but I know is still dealing with this in her own way

puppy training

2009-02-20T08:50:00.000-06:00

Fractalmom: I found a training class at the vet I go to. We start our classes next Tuesday. Good luck with TWO puppies.

No News

2009-02-19T20:10:00.001-06:00

I spoke to Kellys probation agent on Monday. She said as far as what she knew they would be moving kelly thid week. I spoke to Kelly on Tuesday but she still hadn't heard anything. The account for incoming phone calls is empty. So if I don't hear anything by Sunday, I will go for a visit and see if she is still there or not.

On a happier note puppy is up to date on vaccines and will start puppy training classes on Tuesday. It will be nice to have a dog that knows how to be behave. LOL

im not disrespected

2009-02-16T19:09:00.000-06:00

Skillz, don't worry about it. I don't mind hearing what others think. If I did I wouldn't be blogging I would be talking to myself. Keep commenting. They all give us food for thought.

To be a snitch or not

2009-02-13T19:21:00.000-06:00

To Skillz: Kelly didn't say any more that she did on the night they got busted. She said she didn't know where the stuff came from but told them what they already had on video. And if she didn't she would have gotten charged with 2 felonys that they have the other guys on video doing.

Look out world she's getting out!

2009-02-13T13:48:00.000-06:00

Kelly called last night and said her PO was there yesterday and thinks they will have a bed at the rehab early next week. I hate to say it but I was hoping she would be in jail longer. The last time she went to rehab she only lasted about 1 month and she has to make it 6 months or she blows this deal.

Of course she asked for some clothes to be delivered to her PO because as "bad" as the jail food was, she gained 28 pounds. I personally think she looks good and healthy. She said her jeans won't go over her hips. And her other clothes have disappeared with the guy she was living with. Sooo as usual I went out and got her some sweatpants tops and underware so she will have something to wear at rehab.

I know some of you will say I am enabling. I know. But as a mom I can't let her go naked. As much as I would like to sometimes.

New deal

2009-02-11T10:45:00.002-06:00

Well I went to see Kelly today and she said the DA changed the deal here is what she said:
*6 months in Rehab when bed opens,her PO will find her the bed
*18 months probation
*Get GED through rehab
*80 hours commnity service
*Write statment to be used at court againt other two guys she was busted with
*Mental health evaulation
*Drug use assesment

and NO she is not staying with me until a bed opens, she will stay in jail until one is found.

Guess we will see what happens, supposedly if she has ANY contact with either of the two guys she was busted with it will void her DPA and she goes back to sit for a year.

I wish her the best but I will NOT hold my breath. Do I sound sound cold and unfeeling? Because I feel like I am but I have to think about my sanity too.

Time for the headaches to start again.

2009-02-10T20:04:00.000-06:00

Well Kelly was back in Court this morning. They gave her the deferred prosecution agreement with the following conditions:
1. 6 months inpatient rehab

2. 1year probation

3. And she has to testify if they need her too against other guys.

4. They gave her PR signature bond so she can go into rehab when a bed opens.

I know I should be happy for her. But all I feel right now is dread of how long she will last before she takes off and starts using again. Man my head hurts.

I think Kellys pissed Again

2009-02-06T21:10:00.000-06:00

I expected Kelly to call this week because I couldn't go see her on Wednesday. When I didn't hear from her I assumed that the account was empty for her to call so I checked into that today and there is still cash in there. So I figured that she found out Justice 2000 called me and asked if she could stay here if she got out of jail and had to wait for a bed in rehab. I said NO. I said she could only use this address for mailing purposes. I feel that I have played this game with her enough and I am sick of being played for a fool. I figured that she would be pissed when she found out.
I guess the mom in me just hates it when my kids are mad at me.
*****************
Tomarrow I am going wedding dress shopping with oldest daughter. I love to see her try on dresses but sure wish she would make up her mind.

Dog house training going slow. He does real good for a time or two then its piddle piddle and more piddle. And he really likes to chew on stuff. Hands feet wall paper rugs any paper items. Any suggestions in these matters would be very helpful. I did sign him and us (hubs and me) for puppy classes starting at end of the month.
WISH ME LUCK!!!!

new puppy

2009-02-02T08:50:00.003-06:00

We got a new puppy this weekend, a 2 month old beagle. His tail is broke and looks like a car antenna so we named him tenner short for antenner.

Obviously my life isn't hectic enough now I get to housetrain a puppy. He is so cute! He makes me smile and I like to smile!

Visit with Kelly

2009-02-02T08:32:00.002-06:00

I went to Visit Kelly with my oldest daughter and it was the same conversation different day,
Kelly: "did you send me a package?" "the food here sucks" "I cant wait to get out of here and get my life back"

Mom: "yes I told you on Thursday I would. I couldnt send it till friday" "then maybe you should do stuff that gets you sent to jail if you dont like the food" "well I hope you plan to straighten out your life"

Kelly: "damm im gonna be in rehab for summerfest"
Mom: "well whose fault is that?"
Kelly: "its nobodys fault, stuff happens"
Jackie:" bullshit it's totally your fault and you know it"
Kelly: "well it was nice visiting you"

Jackie and i still dont get how she really believes that this happened to her, she caused this not anyubody else.

Kellys newest idea is to join the service, we told her it will never happen, that they wont take her for the following reasons: no high school diploma, her arm is and always will be mess up from all the surgeries and infections, besides her legal problems.

Back to Court

2009-01-29T13:05:00.001-06:00

Kelly went to court yesterday and they offered her 6 months inpatient rehab and 2 years probation and if she doesn't screw up then they will charge her with a misdomeanor instead of a felony. So this is her chance to straighten up. I pray she does it, but also am hesitant in getting my hopes up again. I so very much want to trust her and have her clean and sober. The last time I posted on here I wrote about how she said she refused a visit from the guy she was busted with. When we went to see her this past Sunday I asked her about it and she said yes she spoke to him. (She has never been good at keeping her lies straight). So the drama continues..... Stay tuned!

no visit

2009-01-24T10:58:00.000-06:00

I went to visit Kelly on wednesday and to my surprise they said she already had a visit that day but they would let me visit. I went back and waited for her to be brought out. 45 minutes later they still didn't bring her out so I left. She later called and said that they make them wait till they have enough people to bring down. It would have been nice to know that. And the visit she had earlier was again the guy she is testifying against. Kelly said that she refused the vIsit but as always I take what she says with a grain of salt. I just never know what to believe when she talks anymore.

Kelly is same as always

2009-01-11T17:50:00.000-06:00

I went to see Kelly today and she is same as always. She seems to think that she isn't being treated fairly because even though they are willing to drop some charges for her testimony against the other guy she was busted with, they are still gonna charge her with felony conspiracy. She said that having a felony is gonna screw up her chances in looking for a job. I said "yup it will limit you but you did the crime". Needless to say she didn't like that. And of course she complained about the food there and how much stuff costs from the jail store. I was thinking "hey we put the money in your account, think how we feel?". Then she was complaining cuz they are gonna be over the 50day trial time for her parole revocation hearing. And she wants me to call her last job and get her W-2s to do her taxes.

Like I said same old thing. It makes me feel better about not going to see her last Wednesday. I was feeling guilty but I couldn't see out of my right eye because I had IRITIS (artheritis of the eye) its very painful because the pupil is always dialated which makes any light hurt. And with the swelling it feels like its gonna explode. Its much better now though not completely healed.

Guess this is now my life for a while. I might as well get used to it.

I Resolve......

2009-01-04T11:14:00.001-06:00

With the new year here, I decided that making resolutions I never keep is pointless. So this year I have only 2 to go for...

1. Letting go, by that I mean letting both my daughters live their lives as they will and suffer said consequences. (Unless they ask for my advice, none will be given). I may be bleeding profusely from biting my tongue but I am gonna try.

2. Trying to be not so judgemental about people outloud. I will keep my thoughts more to myself as I find that lately I think I am turning into a hard ass and I don't want to be that way.

Please wish me luck and I will wish you all luck in the coming year.

I am writing this as I sit in the truck at the House of Correction while my husband (not Kellys dad but man who raised her since she was 8) visits as I forgot my ID and they won't let me wait in the lobby.what a sweetheart he is huh?

I know I know its the 1 thing I'm supposed to bring , but I was in a hurry to visit and get back home to go with oldest daughter Jackie to World of Weddings.

Happy New Year!! to ALL

2008-12-31T23:14:00.000-06:00

As I sit here contemplating the last year and years before I am glad to see this year end and the hopes of a better year in 2009.

I am thankful that as of right now kelly is clean even if it means she is in jail.

It is very hard to see her in jail and only talk to her through glass, but if it means she is clean so be it.

I am not a hard woman but have grown detached. I feel that is the best I can do right now for my own sanity and the rest of my family's.

I try not to let her get my hopes up. All I can do is pray for God to do what he feels is right.

I pray for all to have a Happy and Safe 2009.

WTF!!!!

2008-12-24T20:34:00.000-06:00

Well its Christmas Eve and the last thing I ever thought I would do would be visiting my baby girl in jail, talking to her through glass.

This is one of the hardest things.

When I got to the house of correction they told me that she was already with a visitor. I thought WTF?

Kelly is only allowed one visit a day twice a week, who would take Christmas from me? I guess the lady at the desk could see I was upset cuz she called back and said Kelly was sending the visitor out so I could visit.

When I saw who came out I almost died!! It was the guy she got busted with and she is supposedly testifyng against.

When we got back to her window she was crying saying she was upset cuz she didn't know he was coming and she was worried about not being able to see me + her stepdad today.

I know that when we go they do a check to make sure we don't have any warrents, how could they not see that he was the one she got busted with, it was on the computer for all to see.

She was upset and apoligizing about being in jail. She said that she wants to be transfered back to county jail because she hates all the drama at the house of correction plus she gets her own cell. I know she knows that I will not go downtown to visit.

What is she thinking or is she thinking? I haven't dreaded the holidays this much since my mom died 34years ago on December 22nd and I had to put a Christmas together for my little brother and sister, they were 11 and 8, I was 13. My older brother (he was 15) and I cut a tree down from the woods behind our apt and found coke bottles in woods to cash in for candy to put in the kids socks (yes real socks). We also found a rusty truck and a doll to give them. We cleaned them up the best we could.

I thought that was all behind me. I hated God for years for taking my mom so young. And I am beginning to hate a lot of people agaon though not God so much but I don't understand how much more he wants or expects to to go through.

Maybe I just need a break from the stress of the holidays. I'm sick of it all right now!!!

Winter is wearing me down (already)

2008-12-22T20:47:00.000-06:00

After the 13 inches of snow on Friday, we were getting 3 more saturday so I went out to snowblow and my snowblower started smoking and the auger wouldn't turn. I was pissed I just bought it last November!! First thing this morning I called the store and asked how long before it could be fixed. 6 weeks he says. 6 weeks?? Winter will almost be over by then. So I bought a new one, when can it be delivered I ask. Next week they say? Next week? We are expecting 3-5 inches tomarrow and 4-8 on Christmas Eve!! WTF!! I called my brother and had him come pick it up for me.
********

Then I went to the store last Monday and placed an order for a crown pork roast for Christmas Eve dinner, I called on Tuesday to confirm and went to pick it up Saturday and they LOST THE ORDER!!!! So I ordered another one they said it would be ready at 6 am sunday. I went at 10:30 am and they didn't even start thee order and did I wanna wait 30 minutes? Grrrrr
***********

What ever happened to customer service??

******

I am looking forward to seeing Kelly on Christmas Eve and will miss her a lot on Christmas morning. It won't be the same without here and there was only 1 year since she was born that she hasn't been here. I am doing my best not to do too much thinking but spent most of last night crying.

MAYBE this will be a year for miracles and healing for both Kelly and this family.

***MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL**

Blog Drama

2008-12-19T21:47:00.000-06:00

Well the blog drama was pretty intense between anonomous and Fractal Mom. I personally feel that everyone is allowed to write what they choose without the anonomous's of the world spouting and degrading them.

We got 13 inches of snow so it was nice to get out and snowblow while clearing my head of the drama of the past day. I find Fractal Mom to be a kind and tough as nails person when the need arises. And I personally hope she NEVER stops blogging.

GO FRACTAL MOM!!!!!!!!

2008-12-18T09:04:00.001-06:00

Yeah!!!! i just read fractal moms blog and I feel that she just wrote what we all think! I know exactly how you feel! I had a hard time as a child and I managed to pull my shit together and NEVER have tried drugs, I have worked and supported my family raised two kids who NEVER saw me do drugs, I NEVER even smoked a cigarette untill I was 30 and my kids were older by then. My kids WERE brought up right and still one is a herion addict, I have no compassion for her and even have a hard time visiting her in jail. All it does is piss me off. I say go Fractalmom!!!!!!!!!

Time to make the Cookies!!!

2008-12-15T08:06:00.003-06:00

I had a great Saturday!! Jackie came over and we baked Christmas cookies for almost 4 hours. Why so long? Who knows? Sometimes I think we are crazy!!

I had a great time and though I thought of Kelly often, we didnt discuss her. I am trying not to ALWAYS talk about it and just let it go and let GOD handle it.

Now I Am Scared

2008-12-09T22:11:00.000-06:00

Well, somehow Kelly got the State to make a deal with her to testify against one of the guys shw was busted with in return to dropping her Felony to a misdomeanor with 6 months incarceration and 6 months inpatient rehab. I am trying to remain calm but I'm scared that that is not enough time for her to get and stay clean. I just hope and pray the Judge sees that this is not enough time for her. I am going to visit Kelly tomarrow (Wednesday) I hope she doesn't try to make me feel guilty though I think that I have finally am in a good place to deal with it. I hate the fact that she has turned me into a mean person. I don't like to feel this way but feel like I don't have any other choice right now. Will I ever change my feelings? I want my baby girl back, but I don't think I can trust my own feelings in regard to Kelly. I really want to trust her but its gonna take more than 6 months to make me believe she has changed. Tonight I will pray for the strength to stay strong to deal with whatever the courts do. I hope the Judge got my letter and takes it into consideration.

Mostly uneventful weekend (and loving it)

2008-11-29T22:08:00.000-06:00

Well Thanksgiving was mostly uneventful, my brother and sister-in-law cancel due to illness 2 hours before dinner. Turkey was done an hour before expected, and I forgot to bring out the cranberries. But all in all it was good. I had lots of leftovers. I can't wait to make turkey pot pie (mmmm good)

Friday morning husband and I left to go up north to a casino for overnight. We had a great time. I was up $250.00 but of course we put it back plus more on Friday. Then this morning I was up to $101.00 and manged to lose that too plus more. Oh well I call it the price of sanity. I had no headaches, so all is good.

Kelly did call on Thanksgiving and she goes back to Court on Monday. I will not go there, but will check CCAP between snowblowing as we are supposed to get 6-7 inches of snow between Sunday night and Monday morning.

I will update when I know more. I hope the judge got my letter and takes it into consideration, but I can't let it drive me crazy (at least I will try not too).

GREATFULL

2008-11-26T19:23:00.002-06:00

First I would like to say Happy Thankgiving to all!!

I am greatfull for a husband who let's me freak amd cry when I need to. And will still laugh and act like a goof with me. He knows when I need a hug. And more often than not he knows the right thing to say and when.

I went to the House of Correction to visit Kelly today and I have to say she looked pretty good. I didn't back off my stand of not letting her make me feel guilty. And sticking to my guns about not helping her until she is in an active rehab program.

She started crying and said I didn't seem upset about her missing Thanksgiving. I told her that I was tired of her thinking I was gonna be upset everytime she screwed up. And any tears I shed now will not be for sympathy for her but anger for letting her play me for a fool for so long.

She wanted me to change my telephone plan so she could call me collect and I said NO I am not letting her addiction and legal problems run my life anymore. I said I would come see her when I could but not to expect it all the time.

I am very proud of myself and I actually left without a headache. And feeling empowered.

I am also greatfull for all the bloggers I read for their insight.

Trying to guilt us.... good luck

2008-11-23T22:08:00.001-06:00

Well now that Kelly has spoken with a public defender, she thinks she will only get 60days, so now it seems like no big deal to her. (Grrr). . I am still hoping for a year so she has time to get clean. I know that sounds terrible for a mom to wish for her daughter to sit in jail for any length of time but that is the only way I feel she can have a chance to get clean.

She is now trying to guilt her sister into visiting her because "she is lonely and it is Thankgiving week". Well I say Too bad you didn't care about letting us know if you were alive or dead for a month... You also couldn't find time to talk to your sisiter on her birthday when she was willing to pick you up and drop you off afterwards.

Why is it that when she is in jail or the hospital then we are good enough to call? Otherwise we are shit? Well no more from me. She can spend the holiday alone and see if her druggie friends she chooses over her family shows up for her.

I will visit after she is moved to house of correction.

I have to say that I have been headache free for 3 days and I have never felt better. I think it is because I know where she is and that she isn't using. WOOHOO!! We will hope for the best but try to be realilistic.

Ok New Update

2008-11-20T20:03:00.000-06:00

Jackie just called and was very upset because Kelly just called her freaking out. I guess they revoked her probation and are now charging her with 2 felonys.They told her she could get 14 years. She will be moved to the house of correction after she is done with court in the next day or two. Jackie is totally upset that Kelly won't be here for Christmas. I feel so bad for both of them.

Stress continues....

2008-11-20T19:36:00.000-06:00

I hadn't heard any about Kelly so I spoke to my boss who is an attorney about checking at the safety building as to why she hasn't gone to court yet. She goes to court tomarrow on charges of forgery (a felony) and receiving stolen property. My ex-husband emailed Jackie a copy of the sentencing form courts use. And by our caclulations Kelly is looking at at least 1 year in jail maybe more since she was on probation already. I will continue to pray for her to have the strength to use this time to get amd stay clean.

I just finished reading "The Lost Years" and found it very informative. I feel less guilty about sticking to what I feel about not helping her while she is still using.

I did write her a letter letting her know that when she is ready to do recovery. I will always support her. But I will not let her addiction run my or ruin my life anymore.

I will update when I know something. But I will not sit by the pc constantly updating it.

No Home For the Holidays

2008-11-14T21:38:00.001-06:00

Well Kelly won't be here for the holidays. She is back in jail. I got a call from a guy looking for a guy named Bob. I told him he had the wrong number and he stated he got the number from Kelly. I told him she is my daughter and that Bob is the drug house Kelly stays at when she is using. He said that she was caught with 2 guys stealing backpacks from a college bookstore and forging checks. He told me she will be in court Monday morning in case I was interested. I don't think I am. He also said she she is in a real bad way. I wanna see her. But then again do I wanna see her that way?

I am really upset and don't wanna deal with this right now.

Who am I?

2008-11-11T07:45:00.002-06:00

Well it's another week and another pile of bills came for Kelly, I just added them to the pile and will give them to her next time I see her. There was a strange envelope addressed to the house, inside was a hand written letter from someone who found Kellys ID down by the lakefront and was kind enought to send it here.

Maybe I'm just dense but I don't get it, How can you constantly lose everything that is supposed to be important and not even care? I HATE DRUGS! I HATE DRUG ADDITCTS!! I HATE DRUG DEALERS! TODAY I AM A HATER!

ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN

2008-11-08T20:50:00.000-06:00

I have heard that all dogs go to heaven. I know that my dog did. I had to have him put to sleep Friday. I tried holding off but he was having seizures and it couldn't be put off any longer. My husband took him while I stayed home and pretended that it wasn't happening. But husband came home with his collar there was no denying it. We both cried like babys. We had our dog for 15 years he was a great dog. He never barked at other dogs or people. Only horses. I wish I could feel this bad for Kelly but I can't I think if she was to call now I would feel only contempt for her. NICE MOM HUH? I figure thanksgiving is coming and she will shine around. I am actually dreading it. AGAIN NICE MOM HUH?

2008-11-05T08:02:00.002-06:00

This is how my head feels most of the time.

HELP I'm in a funk and can't get out.

2008-11-03T14:00:00.002-06:00

I have been in a funk lately and can't seem to shake it. I am having terrible dreams concerning Kelly. I haven't heard from her and that scares me. I know she isn't working at her job she had last time we spoke.

On top of that I finally weened my self off the hormone pills I have been taking since 1991. That was scary (especially for my husband)LOL.

Last week I learned that I will need to have my dog put down before winter. We have had him for 15 years.

The husband is pissing me off royally, with his constant complaing about doing stuff around the house that needs to be done. I mean little stuff like changing light bulbs that I can't reach without a stepstool or putting trim I have been waiting on for almost 2years, come on! I understand that he is tired after working all day but Hey I don't sit around and eat bonbons either. I do all the housework. The majority of the yard work. I take care of all the bills, paperwork and vet appointments for the pets, and laundry, all the dishes. I prepare all the meals, including his lunch everyday. Plus I run his dad to doctor appointments like 3-4 times if not more a month. I get tired too but we can't just let the house go to hell. I hate a dirty house and apparently I am the only one who sees the dirt.

Ok I'm done venting for today. Thanks for listening.

Busy weekend

2008-10-19T20:56:00.000-05:00

Another busy weekend. After staying out late Friday at the concert the husband and I got up at 6am for a golf outing. We came in last place but had a good time, I even won long drive for the women and won a $250 driver in the raffle and we got $50 pro shop gift certificates. Then we had to go by his dad and do his errands. This morning we put new lights in the kitchen and went out and worked in the yard cleaning up leaves and cutting grass. My shoulders and arms hurt from empting bagger. Its good kind of sore so I don't mind. Fall is the best time of year. Now the week starts again. But am looking forward to next weekend, we have another golf outing. Maybe I will have a calm week.

No one has heard from or seen Kelly. I wonder if that's a good thing or not?

The Ying and the Yang.

2008-10-18T20:29:00.000-05:00

Well Friday was an up and down day. First the down:
I called the hospital to try and get some information on Kelly and they said that she wasn't there. I then tried her work, nuthin. All day long I had a killer headache to the point of nausea.

Now the up: Jackie and I had tickets to go to the Trace Adkins concert (it was part of her birthday present) I put on a happy face and got myself ready to go. She said I could cancel but you know what they say "fake it until you can make it" we did dinner then concert time. We ended up having a great time.

I refuse to let Kelly ruin the rest of this family.

Why am I here? Duh !!

2008-10-16T19:55:00.000-05:00

Today the home nurse company that is working with Kelly and taking care of her IV pump called looking for her again today. I left a message with her giving her Kellys work and roommates phone number. I tried calling Kelly at work a couple of times this week and even called private to see if I could get through to give her phone messages. I never got through. I figured something was up.

Today Jackie called saying Kelly called her and wanted to know is she could put her down as healthcare power of attorney as she was back in the hospital. When Jackie asked why she was in the hospital she said she didn't know. How does an adult not know why they are hospitalized? I figure she is lying or she overdosed and doesn't want any of us to know. Kelly told jackies she has been in since yesterday (wednesday) and plans on being released tomarrow. But if that were the case, why would they need a healthcare power of attorney? I think she might have lost her job and went on a biinge. But that is my theory only. I may call the hospital tomarrow and ask for the nurses station to see if they will give me any information. I don't want to ask her as she will just lie to me anyway.

I guess I will continue to take my headache pills and pray for the best.

Weird phone calls

2008-10-15T20:09:00.002-05:00

I received some weird phonecalls these past two days. Last night there was a message stateing some one was trying to call me collect. First thought? Kellys back in jail. But I really don't think she would call me after she was here for Jackies birthday dinner and she could tell I was still angry with her. Then today there was another message withe the jails name, which is like 100 miles from here. I tried calling Kelly at work with no answer. I finally looked up the jails number on the internet and called to see if it was her. They couldn't tell me who tried calling but confirmed that they did not have Kelly in custody. I feel relieved yet wish I knew what was going on with her.

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On a happier note Jackie finally got her engagement ring and I went with her to try on wedding dresses. It so makes me happy to see her so happy. Yet I'm sad that Kelly can't be a part of the planning. She can really be funny when she is clean. Though she gets really catty when Jackie and I get along when she is using. It is so hard to be up while worrying. I'm sick and tired of the tension headaches EVERYDAY! Right now I am so pissed at Kelly yet excited for Jackie at the same time. Damm, I'm a mess!!! LOL.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JACKIE!!

2008-10-08T12:56:00.002-05:00

Today is my oldest daughter http://howtohelpymysister.blogspot.com/ Jackie's birthday, she is 28 years old. I was thinking about the day she was born.:

I woke up at 6am with a backache and since I was only 19 and she was my first born I didn't know I was in labor so I cleaned the whole apartment and at 10 am was getting ready to go to my baby shower when the pains got to be 3 minutes apart, I called the Dr and met him at the hospital. 15 minutes later she was born. 10:30 am. So I called her this morning at 6 am to say Happy Birthday since she woke me up at that time on that fateful day sooo long ago. LOL

I can't believe all we have gone through as a family, being married to her father was no picnic. He didn't help me with the kids at all I had to walk to the Laundromat with her on my hip and a basket of laundry on the other hip. We didn't have a stove or refrigerator when she was born, so I heated up her bottles under hot running water.

There were great days like walking her to school the first day of kindergarten and rocking her to sleep in my arms. the wonderful pictures she drew of her family.

There were also hard days like when I asked if she was smoking poking pot and she says "no all i have this this pipe" duh so i left it on the stove for a few days to remind her of how stupid that was and why she was grounded.

And the time when i left her home alone for the weekend the first time and busted her having a party because she took pictures and had me get them developed. LOL those went on refrigerator also to remind her why she wasn't getting her drivers license for a year.

All in all she is a good kid, and she is always there when I get upset. and tries not to show me when her sister upsets her. We will always have a special connection. and I love her with all my heart. HAPPY BIRTHDAY KID!

Is it the weather or does she miss family?

2008-10-02T22:00:00.002-05:00

Well Kelly e-mailed me today asking if her winter coat was here and how can she get it. She knows her coat is here and I am gonna "try" to stick to my guns here. I told her yes it was here and when she knew when she could get a ride here let me know and I will let you know if I will be available at that time. I know the weather is changing but I will NOT jump to make sure she has her coat. I feel if it were drugs she wanted she would find a way to get where she could get them on her dealers schedule, and why should I be treated with less respect than a drug dealer after all I have tried to do for her? I never heard back from her. I expect she was thinking I would offer to drop it off for her. Not Gonna Happen.

Oh No I've been tagged!

2008-09-30T19:57:00.002-05:00

Skillz tagged me so I will try this:
Six unspectacular things about me:

1. I am anal about my house and how things are done in it. (housework, meals made etc.)

2. I am very fierce when it comes to my children. Though I know they are not angels and am the first to admit it.

3. I love to read and crochet and do both almost nightly.

4. I love electronic gadgets (GPS, e-books, cell phones, etc.)

5. I am very competitive at golf and always want to win.

6. As much as I hate male chauvinists, I still believe in being the one to do the cooking, cleaning and laundry (see #1).

Ohmmm..... life is calm

2008-09-26T22:18:00.000-05:00

Life has beem calm as I have not heard from Kelly since Tuesday. My stomach has calmed down so I have backed off of the meds. This weekend we have the family golf outing, always a good time. I pray the calmess continues.

Detached, for now.

2008-09-23T20:18:00.000-05:00

After speaking with Kelly regarding the tickets in last posting. We got into another argument about her not trying to follow rules that would straighten her life out. I told her not to call or text me until she strightened out her life. Kellys response was "its hard to strighten out my life when no one helps and everyone always bails on me". I told her next time she is in the hospital or jail maybe she should call one of her junky friends and see if they will visit her or give her rides.

When I asked why she didn't go to court on the tickets, her excuse was " there no busses that go there". I said "well you found a way to get out there to get in trouble" and you always find rides to party. She says "when do I have time to party when all I do is work and go to dr appointments?" To which I said you found a way to get and use while living at home. She then hung up.

I know I did the right thing but my stomach has hurt for 2 days. I am back on ulcer meds.